As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your children from struggles, whether it’s a tricky homework problem, a failed recipe attempt, or an emotional challenge. Yet over the years, I’ve learned that some of the most profound growth for children happens when we step back and allow them to face difficulties head-on. In fact, letting kids do hard things—through independent play, taking on household responsibilities, or navigating their own challenges—is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
Why Letting Kids Do Hard Things Matters
Children’s resilience, confidence, and problem-solving skills are forged through experiences that push them out of their comfort zones. When we shield them from struggle, we inadvertently rob them of the chance to grow. This sort of resilience will serve them well in college, the workplace and life. Consider this: every scraped knee from learning to ride a bike and every frustration from assembling a puzzle teaches perseverance and self-reliance.
I think it gives kids confidence to know that if there is a challenge, as a parent you’re helping them to problem solve it as opposed to just taking the problem away.
Moreover, research supports the value of struggle in childhood. Psychologists have found that kids who engage in problem-solving or challenging tasks develop a growth mindset, which is the belief that abilities can improve through effort. This mindset not only boosts academic success but also equips children to handle life’s inevitable setbacks with grace and determination.
The Role of Independent Play
Independent play is one of the most natural ways for kids to encounter and overcome challenges. I’ve watched my own children transform a pile of cardboard boxes into castles, rocket ships, and obstacle courses—each creation more intricate than the last. My favorite was when my son transformed an old phone (minus a phone plan) and his bike helmet into a much longed-for go-pro with some duct tape. Days of stunts were filmed! Independent play invites kids to imagine, experiment, and solve problems on their own. When the cardboard tower collapses or the duct tape won’t hold, they learn to adapt, regroup, and try again.
The benefits of independent play go beyond creativity. It fosters decision-making and resourcefulness, qualities that serve children well in every aspect of life. For instance, when kids play without adult intervention, they have to negotiate rules, manage conflicts, and figure out how to make their ideas work. These skills translate directly into the classroom, sports, and eventually the workplace.
Household Responsibilities: Learning Through Contribution
Household responsibilities, though sometimes met with groans and protests, are another invaluable way for children to tackle hard things. Giving kids age-appropriate chores teaches responsibility, teamwork, and the satisfaction of contributing to a larger goal.
When my kids were in preschool, they were taught how to do things like put away toys, set the table and feed the cat. But over time, they learned not only the mechanics of setting a table but also the importance of doing their part for the family. By age ten, they would confidently take on bigger tasks, from folding laundry to baking cookies for family gatherings. Now, as young
adults they can check the tire pressure, do their own banking, mow the yard and so much more. And, most importantly they have the confidence that when faced with an unfamiliar task they can figure it out.
What’s more, research shows that kids who have regular chores grow up with a stronger sense of empathy and responsibility. They see themselves as capable contributors, which boosts their self-esteem and prepares them for independent living. While it might be quicker to fold the laundry yourself or tidy their toys, the long-term benefits of letting kids do these tasks are well worth the effort.
How to Support Kids Without Taking Over
While stepping back is essential, it doesn’t mean abandoning children to sink or swim. Here are some strategies I’ve found helpful for supporting kids as they tackle hard things:
1. Start Small
Begin with manageable challenges that build confidence. For example, younger kids can help measure ingredients for a recipe, while older kids can try cooking a simple dish on their own.
2. Model Problem-Solving
When you encounter challenges, narrate your thought process. Say, “This isn’t working the way I planned. Let’s try another approach.” Your example teaches them how to handle frustration constructively.
3. Encourage Effort Over Perfection
Celebrate the process, not just the outcome. Praise their persistence and willingness to try, even if their first attempt isn’t successful.
4. Ask, Don’t Tell
When kids come to you with a problem, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Instead, ask guiding questions like, “What do you think you could try?” or “What happened the last time you did this?”
5. Be Patient
Watching your child struggle can be hard, but resist the urge to intervene too quickly. Give them time to figure things out on their own before stepping in.
The Anxious Generation and Tackling Hard Things
Interestingly, the concept of letting kids tackle hard things aligns with discussions from Jonathan Haidt’s “The Anxious Generation.” In the book, Haidt highlights how over-monitoring, including the use of tracking devices, can inadvertently stifle independence. While tracking devices offer safety benefits, relying on them excessively might contribute to heightened anxiety for both parents and children. Finding a balance between guidance and freedom is crucial for fostering resilience and confidence in the next generation.
What Kids Learn From Facing Challenges
When kids are allowed to do hard things, they learn more than just how to complete the task at hand. They develop:
Resilience:Struggles teach kids that failure is not the end—it’s a stepping stone to success.
Confidence: Overcoming challenges shows children what they’re capable of, boosting their self-esteem.
Problem-Solving Skills: Independent thinking and persistence in the face of obstacles are skills they’ll carry into adulthood.
Empathy: Taking on responsibilities helps kids appreciate the effort others put into shared spaces and relationships.
Listen to Jen share her insights on balancing motherhood and entrepreneurship, the evolution of her parenting style, and lessons learned from Dutch parenting on the Balanced as a Mother Podcast.
The conversation covers practical strategies for managing the back-to-school shift, teaching kids independence, and maintaining self-compassion.
The Balanced as a Mother Podcast is for ambitious women who are building businesses, raising kids, and leading with grit, grace, and a little bit of humor. Here, we know that balance isn’t perfect—it’s a badass juggling act.
The Long-Term Payoff of Letting Kids Do Hard Things
Allowing kids to do hard things isn’t always easy for parents. It takes patience, trust, and a willingness to let go of control. But the payoff is immeasurable. My eldest, now a teenager, recently tackled the daunting task of organizing a school fundraiser. Watching her navigate budgeting, team dynamics, and last-minute hiccups was a proud moment—not because she did it perfectly, but because she handled each challenge with poise and determination.
As parents, our goal isn’t to shield our children from difficulty but to prepare them to thrive in its presence. By encouraging independent play, assigning household responsibilities, and supporting them through life’s hurdles, we give them the tools they need to succeed. In the end, letting kids do hard things isn’t just about the tasks they accomplish—it’s about the capable, resilient individuals they become.
Jennifer Bryerton, MaEd, is the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief of CharlottesvilleFamily, which she co-founded to provide a trusted, family-centered resource for the Charlottesville community. With a Master’s degree in Education, Jennifer began her career in teaching, where her dedication to experiential learning and community engagement became evident. That background in education and her zeal for marketing and digital engagement infuses her work for parents with a unique perspective. Her vision and leadership have led CharlottesvilleFamily Magazine to win numerous awards for editorial excellence and community involvement.
Beyond her professional role, Jennifer treasures opportunities to share gardening, arts, nature and travel experiences with her husband and their four children and never turns down a board game challenge. Jennifer’s blend of education expertise, entrepreneurial spirit, commitment to family and enthusiasm for local community-building continues to shape CharlottesvilleFamily, making it a cherished resource for families in the area since 1998.