Parents are currently experiencing an unprecedented level of stress. Research finds that parental stress, as well as symptoms of anxiety and depression, increased significantly following the pandemic.
At a Glance
- Uncertainty about childhood safety has been exacerbated by the pandemic and rising gun violence, increasing parents’ anxiety.
- Parents can use research-backed strategies to manage stress, which creates healthier outcomes for them and their children.
- Parents can learn to avoid perfectionism, tolerate uncertainty, and practice mindfulness and sleep hygiene to mitigate everyday stress.
- Structured problem solving skills and reframing challenging can improve stressful situations with children.
- Ask for help from other parents or a mental health professional when you need.
Why Trauma and Stress Are Impacting More Families
The stressful disruptions of the pandemic may have increased the likelihood of families to experience more traumatic incidents.
For example, following the pandemic, 29% of parents report that their children have witnessed more domestic violence and 42% of parents report that their children have experienced increased verbal emotional abuse.
At the same time, gun violence in the United States has increased to the point that firearms are now the leading cause of death in children. This is more than event car accidents, which was the leading cause of death in children for 60 years).
These recent events have led parents to feel uncertain about what they previously considered to be absolute truths, such as safety at school, their health, and their access to friends and hobbies that they enjoy. Research finds that experiencing this type of uncertainty is likely to increase stress and anxiety. The brain requires a lot of energy to process uncertainty, and this takes energy away from other important processes in the brain and body. This can potentially lead to difficulty with memory and executive functioning, as well as health issues.
Finally, many parents may also be experiencing lingering “brain fog” after the pandemic, making it harder for them to function in their everyday lives. Research finds that “brain fog” (meaning an experience of feeling confused or “out of it”, mental slowness, or difficulty concentrating or remembering) is relatively common both in people who were infected by COVID-19 and those who were not, likely due to the stress and disruptions of the pandemic.
So how do we cope with this inordinate amount of stress? Is there anything we can do to decrease our stress levels?
8 Research-Backed Ways to Reduce Stress for Parents
Luckily, there are ways that parents can start to manage and reduce their stress. Many of these strategies are backed by research. Use these tips to help lower your anxiety, improve mental health for both you and your kids, reduce sibling conflict, and manage the mental burden of parenthood.
1. Accept That You Can’t Be a “Perfect” Parent
A lot of our stress as parents involves feeling guilty about ways we have “failed” our kids. Or maybe you we worry that we might make the wrong decision for our children. However, it’s impossible to be a perfect parent.
Not only that, but the quest for perfection may actually be harmful to both our mental health and the mental health of our children. Research finds that an intensive parenting style and child-centrism (meaning consistently prioritizing your child’s needs over your own needs) is associated with increased stress and depression in parents.
To avoid this parenting style try to:
- Resist over-scheduling your child with activities that stress you out
- Prioritize your own needs occasionally
- Do not feel pressured to engage with your child every moment of the day
- Allow your child to play independently
Also, remind yourself that being a “perfect” parent should not even be the goal. Not only is perfectionism likely to cause psychological distress for you as the parent, but being a perfectionist as a parent may also cause anxiety in your children and make them more likely to become a perfectionist themselves.
So give yourself a break and remind yourself that what your children really need from you is love.
2. Learn How To Tolerate Uncertainty
Uncertainty is a huge source of stress for most people. But it’s even more stressful for people with high levels of “intolerance of uncertainty,“ meaning people who tend to see any uncertain situation as negative. Intolerance of uncertainty is associated with anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress following a traumatic event.
Research on the treatment of intolerance of uncertainty suggests that you should first accept that it is impossible to be certain about everything in life. You should then try to recognize that uncertainty can also lead to positive outcomes. For example, uncertain situations can lead to unexpected successes.
Most importantly, rather than avoid uncertainty, you can try to seek out situations that are unpredictable or uncertain. Do this without seeking reassurance from others, analyzing all possible outcomes, or distracting yourself.
For example, try a new activity or hobby that you aren’t sure you will like, or simply turn off your phone for a few hours. (Our phones, it turns out, are one of the most common ways that we avoid feelings of uncertainty.)
The more you practice tolerating uncertain situations with low-stakes, the better your brain becomes at accepting that they aren’t always bad. As you adjust, you’ll gradually become better at tolerating and accepting uncertainty in other areas of your life.
3. Practice Mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness may seem like an annoying suggestion to an already busy and overwhelmed parent. But research has shown that mindfulness interventions are effective at reducing parenting stress.
Mindfulness can help parents:
- Accept and not overly react to negative life events
- Understand the emotions of themselves and their child
- Control their own emotions in challenging parenting situations
- Have more compassion for themselves and their child
Mindfulness doesn’t have to take up a lot of time. In fact, it only needs to take a few minutes. Deep breathing, meditation, prayer, or even just sitting quietly with your thoughts for a few minutes are all ways of practicing mindfulness. If you find you need some guidance, mindfulness apps can be a great place to start.
4. Try To Solve the Problem
Research finds that teaching parents problem-solving skills helps to improve stress and results in improved child behavior. Parents who are taught effective problem-solving also show fewer symptoms of depression and improved mental health.
Effective problem solving involves five steps:
- Clearly define the problem.
- Write out all possible solutions.
- Evaluate each solution one-by-one to determine the best solution.
- Implement the best solution.
- Evaluate whether the solution worked to address the problem, then tweak it as needed.
Of course, all parents know that sometimes, there are problems with no solution. Maybe your child doesn’t like their teacher or has a fight with a friend. Maybe you have difficult boss or coworker, or someone in your family has health problems that can be managed but not fixed.
When you encounter a problem you can’t solve, allow yourself to think about it, admit that it is hard, and experience all of your feelings about it. Research finds that people who engage thoughts related to their stress, rather than disengage, show improved well-being, and stress does not negatively affect them to the same extent.
5. Seek Out Social Connection
Research finds that support from family, friends, and other parents is essential to parents’ well-being. Social support may also help you to cope with traumatic events and reduce the risk of postpartum mood disorders.
You can reach out to other parents at your child’s school, find local parenting groups, strike up a conversation with a neighbor, or try out a new hobby that involves other people, such as a running club or tennis clinic. Once you have built your “village”, don’t be afraid to reach out for help! Ask about carpooling to kids’ activities, swapping childcare after school, or for a meal when your family is going through a hard time. You will be surprised at how ready other parents are to join forces and create a network of support.
Find more parenting inspiration and practical advice, including how to create a childhood filled with awe and wonder, the value of letting kids do hard things, and how to identify your parenting style.
6. Prioritize Sleep
No parent will be surprise to hear that research has found a link between becoming a parent and getting less sleep. Yet sleep deprivation is associated with increased stress, emotional dysregulation, and depression.
Even if you have kids that wake up at night, you can improve both the amount and quality of your sleep by practicing good sleep hygiene. This involves:
- Going to sleep and waking up at the same time every day
- Avoiding electronics an hour before bed
- Limiting caffeine to the morning and early afternoon
- Avoiding alcohol and nicotine
- Getting regular exercise during the day
- Making sure your bedroom is a quiet and calm place
7. Reframe Challenging Behavior
As parents, children’s behavior can be a huge source of stress. Whether your child is throwing a tantrum in the middle of a grocery trip or provoking a sibling, it’s natural to feel like something is “wrong” when a child acts out or behaves badly. And if you’re already experiencing stress, it can be challenging not to take your kids’ behavior personally or worry about what other people think of you as a result.
To reduce this stress and stay calm in the face of challenging behavior, try to view it as a product of their developmental stage and lack of skills rather than intentional “acting out,” no matter whether they are a teenager or a toddler. Research finds that parents who view their child’s behavior in this way experience less stress.
Tip: Look at the bigger picture leading up to the “bad” behavior. Children of all ages, not just toddlers, can lose control when they’re tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. So can adults!
8. Seek Help From a Mental Health Professional
If stress seems to be interfering in your everyday life, disturbing your sleep or appetite, or you feel like it is negatively impacting your relationships, seek out a consultation with a mental health professional. This could be a psychologist, counselor, therapist, or social worker.
Therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy, is effective in reducing stress and symptoms of anxiety. A therapist can teach you methods for managing stress and tolerating negative emotions. Telehealth therapy, provided through secure video chatting, may be easier for parents without child care assistance or who live in rural areas.
Reducing Stress for Parents
When things feel difficult or your children act out, it can be easy to internalize that as a problem caused by your bad parenting. But parenting is hard work, even under the best of circumstances. Take time to prioritize yourself and your mental health, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
You’ll find that it helps you and your kids both to be happier, healthier, and calmer, even when things are tough.
Find links to all of the research studies cited here here.
DR. CARA DAMIANO GOODWIN, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a Charlottesville mother to four children. She received a PhD in child clinical psychology from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a Master’s in Developmental Psychiatry from Cambridge University, and a Master’s in Child Psychology from Vanderbilt University. Dr. Goodwin completed a postdoctoral fellowship at Duke University. She specializes in child development and has spent years researching child psychology and neuroscience and providing therapy and clinical services for children of all ages. She has published 18 research articles in peer-reviewed academic journals, written two book chapters, and completed numerous conference presentations. Dr. Goodwin translates recent scientific research into information parents can access and implement in their everyday lives through her Instagram account @parentingtranslator and her website: www.ParentingTranslator.com.
Charlottesville’s Dr. Cara Goodwin has also authored the science behind potty training, sleep training, screentime guidelines backed by research, and the results of studies on sugar and kids behavior. Other wonderful parenting resources include our Family Guide to Moving to Charlottesville as well as our popular CharlottesvilleFamily Birthday Club for kids.
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