Choosing a parenting style can often feel like choosing a religion. New parents often feel like they have to adopt a particular parenting style, then blindly accept everything that goes along with it. Yet, because every child is different, it’s impossible for every aspect of a single parenting style to work for your family.
The Challenge of Choosing a Parenting Style
Inevitably, no matter what parenting style or philosophy you decide to follow, there will be a time when something feels “off” to you. Maybe you don’t feel good about the way a book or Instagram expert tells you to approach a situation. Maybe your child responds in a completely different way than you expect, and it’s not good!
When this happens, parents often assume that there is something wrong with themselves or with their child. Parents might assume that they don’t have what it takes to be a particular type of parent when in actuality no parenting style will ever fit perfectly.
Developing Your Own Parenting Style
As a psychologist that specializes in advising parents, I strongly suggest to parents that they don’t feel limited by a particular parenting style. Instead, empower yourself to develop your own unique style based on the needs of your children and your family. Choose the aspects that make sense for your children, and don’t worry about the parts that don’t work for you.
This approach allows you to be flexible and responsive to your kids as they grow and change.
The Three Original Parenting Styles
The first step behind developing your own parenting style is understanding the research behind different parenting philosophies. The best place to start is the original three parenting styles that have been studied for decades.
These three parenting styles are:
- Authoritative
- Authoritarian
- Permissive
These three models of parenting were first identified in the 1960’s by psychologist Diana Baumrind. Since then, they have been extensively studied.
Together, they provide a framework to understand all of the other parenting styles that have emerged over the years.
Authoritative Parenting
Authoritative parenting involves consistent consequences alongside a nurturing and warm parent-child relationship. These parents provide both high levels of rules and limits and high levels of emotional support.
In other words, the expectations are high, but so is the love.
Decades of research consistently finds that this parenting style has been linked with the most positive outcomes for children. This includes:
- Fewer behavioral problems
- Greater resilience
- Higher self-esteem
- Improved social skills, and better grades just to name a few.
Authoritarian Parenting
Authoritarian parents have a high level of rules and limits. This is similar to authoritative parents.
However, authoritarian parents don’t have the same level of warmth and nurturing. They have high expectations and strict rules and are ready to mete out serious consequences when the rules are broken. They believe that decisions should be made by parents. Often, authoritarian parents don’t consider their child’s opinion or perspective.
Authoritarian parents may endorse sentiments such as “children should be seen and not heard,” “spare the rod, spoil the child,” and “because I told you so.” This parenting style is linked to:
- Increased risk for anxiety and depression
- Lower self-esteem
- Poor behavior outcomes
Permissive or Indulgent Parenting
Permissive parenting involves a high level of warmth and nurturing but few rules or limits. These parents also allow their children a lot of autonomy and choice. Sometimes, they may provide too much autonomy, even when a child would benefit from clear guidance or firm limits.
Permissive parents may be accused of spoiling or coddling their children. Permissive parenting is associated with some negative outcomes such as:
- Behavioral problems
- Difficulties with self-regulation
However, it is also associated with some positive outcomes, including:
- Social skills
- Self-confidence
- Creativity
Neglectful or Uninvolved Parenting
There’s a fourth style of parenting, though it doesn’t stem from a particular philosophy. Instead, it stems from a lack of attention.
Neglectful or uninvolved parenting was first described by researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin in the 1980s. It involves both a lack of nurturing and love and a lack of rules and structure.
Neglectful parents are disengaged from their children’s lives. Research consistently finds that this style of parenting is associated with the worst outcomes for children, significantly more so than either authoritarian or permissive parenting. Children with neglectful or uninvolved parents tend to exhibit:
- Difficulty with self-regulation, behavior, social skills
- Poor school performance
- Struggles with depression and anxiety
The Growing Number of Parenting Styles
These parenting styles give us a great framework to understand different types of parents but not a lot of specific guidance. As a result, more parenting philosophies have popped up. There are so many to choose from, in fact, that you may feel overwhelmed just trying to keep track of what each one means. Social media, and the trend of giving everything a name, has only accelerated this feeling.
Many of these parenting styles have an involved list of dos and do nots for parents to follow. They aren’t generally backed by research. However, these philosophies often appeal to parents because they provide concrete instructions about how to handle challenging situations.
What Is Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting has recently become a popular topic on social media. There’s no exact definition of gentle parenting, however. That’s because it hasn’t been researched or used by psychologists in clinical practice. Based on the way gentle parenting is described by most gentle parenting advocates, it draws on aspects of authoritative parenting. But in practice, much of its specific guidance can seem like permissive parenting.
Some aspects of gentle parenting are not backed by research. This includes the suggestion that parents should avoid all consequences and rewards. It may also feel unrealistic and hard to implement in the real world.
Yet, gentle parenting also involves ideas that every expert in child development would endorse. This includes respecting the child, empathizing with and validating your child, and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences.
What Is Free-Range Parenting?
This is a parenting philosophy that encourages parents to let their children experience age-appropriate risks and have more independence in the world. It typically involves limited parent supervision. Free-range children are allowed to explore their environments with limited parent intervention. It also involves a focus on child-led, unstructured activities over adult organized activities.
In practice, this might mean letting your children walk home from school or letting them explore your backyard while you stay inside. The research on free-range parenting is limited. However, the research we have on allowing children autonomy suggests that free-range parenting may make children more confident, independent, and self-regulated.
It would also make sense that free-range parenting may help to reduce parent’s anxiety in the long-term, although it may increase anxiety in the short-term. It also may reduce daily demands on parents’ time and attention.
What Is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting was developed by pediatrician William Sears. It involves a set of behaviors including co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, and responding to baby’s cries.
Research has found benefits for some of these behaviors, such as breastfeeding and babywearing. However, studies have yet to support attachment parenting as a whole or to link attachment parenting with a stronger parent-child bond.
Critics of attachment parenting argue that it places too much pressure on one parent. Usually, this is a mother.
What Is Conscious Parenting?
Conscious parenting encourages focusing on how your own behaviors, thoughts, and emotions impact your child. Conscious parents often focus on regulating themselves and modeling the behaviors they want to see in their children. This generally involves listening and showing empathy to their children. They are constantly working on their own mindfulness and emotional regulation in order to help their children develop these skills.
There isn’t research looking specifically at conscious parenting. However, most psychologists would agree that these approaches are important. There is research showing the importance of parent emotional regulation.
If you want to be a more conscious parent, you can practice mindfulness, deep breathing, and other coping strategies to improve your emotional regulation skills. You can also try to focus more on your response when your children display challenging behavior.
What Is RIE Parenting?
RIE (Resources for Infant Educators) is a parenting approach popularized by Janet Lansbury. The RIE approach was developed by an early childhood educator, Magda Gerber, and inspired by Hungarian pediatrician, Emmi Pikler, who developed the Pikler approach.
The RIE approach focuses on having an authentic and respectful relationship with your child. It includes treating them with respect as an independent and capable human being.
In practice, this involves:
- Observing your child to better understand their behavior
- Involving your child in all caregiving tasks
- Speaking to them as you would an adult
- Giving them a safe and predictable environment
- Allowing time for uninterrupted play
- Setting boundaries with empathy
There have yet to be any peer-reviewed, empirical research articles examining the effectiveness of RIE or Janet Lansbury’s approach as a whole. However, most parenting experts would agree that a mutually respectful relationship with a child is good. So are as are things like empathetic boundaries and a safe and predictable environment.
However, there are aspects of RIE that are not backed by research. These include prohibitions against pacifiers, tummy time, babywearing, swaddles, and time-out.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
Helicopter parenting, or overprotective parenting, happens when parents that are excessively involved and controlling of their children. A similar style is “bulldozer parenting” or “snowplow parenting.” These refer to parents who remove all obstacles/problems in their child’s path.
Research finds that helicopter parenting is associated with increased anxiety, depression, and poor self-regulation skills in children. The children of helicopter parents are also more likely to be dependent on others as adults.
Parents often become helicopter parents unintentionally. After all, there is a fine line between being a helicopter and being a responsive and involved parent. Parents can walk this fine line by stepping back and allowing their children to fail, make mistakes, and experience negative emotions.
What Is Lighthouse Parenting?
Lighthouse parenting is a relatively new term developed by Dr. Ken Ginsburg. It refers to a parenting style in which parents stand back and guide their children without intervening. The idea is that they are like a lighthouse that points out the dangers in their children’s environments while letting their child “steer their own boat.”
Lighthouse parents don’t remove dangers or prevent their child from experiencing unhappiness. They are present and caring but also give their children independence and autonomy. This style is often contrasted with helicopter parenting.
An example of lighthouse parenting would be giving your child strategies for remembering their homework but not bringing it to school for them if they forget.
In the research, lighthouse parenting is referred to as autonomy-supportive parenting. Research finds many benefits for supporting your child’s autonomy and independence, such as improved well-being, social skills, and intrinsic motivation.
What Is Montessori Parenting?
This parenting style is based on an educational philosophy developed by Italian physician Maria Montessori. It stresses self-directed, independent play involving a very specific (and often expensive) set of materials. Parents do not direct or instruct their children but simply guide and assist them as needed. Rewards and punishment are not used to allow children to develop intrinsic motivation.
Although no research has studied the Montessori approach to parenting, research on the educational practice is mixed. We don’t have any evidence that it provides a distinct advantage. We also have no evidence that Montessori toys provide an advantage.
However, research does support several Montessori principles, such as learning that is play-based, child-led, and hands-on. In addition, the focus on building independent skills may be beneficial for children.
What Parenting Style Is Right For You?
Ultimately, no one parenting style will be right in every situation or for every child. Kids need love and attention, but they also need consequences. They need freedom in some situations and rules in others.
As a parent, the best philosophy is often to trust yourself and trust your knowledge of your own child. And if you are struggling, don’t be afraid to seek out help in the form of a friend, pediatrician, or other expert.
Remember, it takes a village to raise a child, no matter what parenting style you decide to follow.
Find more parenting resources, including research-backed tips for reducing parent stress and how to build a childhood full of awe and wonder. Need something just for you? Check out our quarterly book club, the Moms Lit Society!
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DR. CARA DAMIANO GOODWIN, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a Charlottesville mother to four children. She received a PhD in child clinical psychology from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a Master’s in Developmental Psychiatry from Cambridge University, and a Master’s in Child Psychology from Vanderbilt University. Dr. Goodwin completed a postdoctoral fellowship at Duke University. She translates recent scientific research into information parents can access and implement in their everyday lives on Instagram as @parentingtranslator. Visit her website, ParentingTranslator.com, to learn more.