In any family with more than one child, sibling relationships can be a challenge.
Parents want siblings to get along, cooperate, and support each other. At the same time, anyone who has been around siblings understands just how common conflict can be. In fact, research finds that many parents identify sibling conflict as the most common problem in their families.
Yet, many parents feel at a loss for how to solve the problem. So what can we learn about siblings from the research? How do we prevent jealousy, improve sibling relationships, and help our children to get along?
At a Glance
- Healthy, positive sibling relationships can improve empathy, social skills, and school engagement.
- Sibling conflict is normal, even with larger age gaps. As many as 98% of families report sibling jealousy.
- Parents can help improve sibling relationships by staying calm and neutral, modeling empathy, and teaching healthy conflict resolution.
- Help children understand each other’s perspectives and regulate their negative emotions during periods of conflict.
- Praising good behaviors rather than punishing bad behaviors can lead to positive sibling interactions.
Three Things To Know About Sibling Relationships
Before you can work on and improve your kids’ sibling relationships, it’s important to understand how siblings relate to each other. Here are three things to keep in mind as you help your kids navigate these close family relationships.
1. Siblings have a large impact on each other, whether positive or negative.
If you think helping your children cultivate strong sibling relationships is important, you’re spot on. The sibling relationship may be the most important and long-lasting relationship that your children have.
Children develop many important skills through playing and interacting with their siblings. They learn about different perspectives and how to understand emotions. They engage in pretend play, problem-solving, and negotiation. They then generalize the skills learned with their siblings to interactions with their friends and other children.
When siblings have a close relationship, research finds they can have many positive influences on each other. A strong sibling relationship can improve empathy, social skills, and kids’ interest and engagement in school.
However, when siblings have a difficult relationship, they can negatively impact each other’s development. For example, a high degree of sibling conflict in childhood is associated with delinquent behavior, symptoms of anxiety and depression, and problems with friends. Siblings may also influence each other to take part in delinquent, risky, or antisocial behaviors.
2. Sibling conflict is extremely common.
That said, sibling conflict is a normal part of development for all children. Research has found that siblings fight up to six times per hour. Sibling jealousy, rivalry, and competition are normal. These behaviors may emerge as early as the first year. Sibling jealousy is reported in up to 98% of families.
This doesn’t mean that your children hate each other or will fight for the rest of their lives. Anyone who lives with other people is going to encounter conflict. Kids are learning to live with other people while their brains and empathy are still developing. And they’re doing that while learning to share resources, including parental attention.
3. Age gaps impact interactions.
Research finds that larger age gaps between siblings seem to be related to less conflict, while smaller age gaps are related to a closer sibling relationship but more conflict. Siblings with a wider age gap also show more nurturing, affection, and kind behavior toward their younger sibling and more admiration of their older sibling.
On the other hand, siblings with a closer age gap show more aggression and competition, yet more closeness and warmth. In most studies, wider age gaps are defined as 4 or more years, while shorter age gaps are 1 to 2 years. Research also finds that greater conflict among siblings closer in age persists into adulthood.
That said, siblings of all ages and age gaps can experience conflict and sibling rivalry.
Find more research-backed resources for parenting, including reducing parenting stress, the value of letting kids do hard things, and what studies on screen time actually tell us.
Can Parents Improve Sibling Relationships?
The good news is that parents can take an active and healthy role in cultivating strong and positive sibling bonds. Research suggests that the following strategies may be used to effectively reduce sibling conflict and even improve the sibling relationship.
1. Praise the good rather than punishing the bad.
Give your children positive attention when they play nicely or share rather than giving them negative attention for fighting or being mean.
Research shows that praise and attention for positive behavior is very effective in reducing sibling conflict. Children want their parents’ attention. If they get your attention for negative behaviors but not for positive ones, you’re more likely to see negative behavior. If you regularly pay attention to positive behavior, you’ll see more of it.
For example, instead of, “Why are you always taking toys from your brother?” try, “I noticed that you took turns and used gentle hands when you were playing together today.”
2. Stay as calm and as neutral as possible.
Research indicates that when parents favor one child over the other child or tend to side with one child, it may lead to more sibling fighting. Be careful to treat each sibling equally and stay neutral. Don’t assume you know who is at fault when conflict arises.
And if one child is punished, try to give them your calm, focused attention afterward to talk through what happened.
3. Work with your children to solve sibling conflicts.
Research shows that when both parents and children are involved in solving a conflict, children gain important skills for handling conflict in the future.
When you notice your children fighting, coach them through listening to each other’s perspectives. Demonstrate how to resolve the conflict with problem-solving and compromise. But be careful not to leave it entirely up to them to resolve the conflict. Research suggests that when children are left to resolve conflicts on their own they only come up with a “fair” solution about 12% of the time. Think of yourself as a coach, but don’t be afraid to be an air traffic controller when necessary.
For example, “It seems like you both want the ball. How can we solve this problem in a way you would both be okay with?”
4. Help children regulate negative emotions during conflict with siblings.
Research finds that, when you improve children’s emotional regulation skills, they also show improved sibling relationships. You can do this by teaching them how to identify their own emotions. Then, develop coping strategies for regulating those emotions. This can include deep breathing, going to a “calm down space,” or asking a parent for help.
For example, “You are clenching your fists which tells me that you are getting frustrated. Do you want to walk away and take some deep breaths, then ask your brother for a turn?”
5. Teach your children the unspoken “rules” of playing together.
Research finds that improving children’s social skills also improves sibling relationships. Teach children how to ask their sibling to play, accept or decline an offer to play, and articulate their feelings to their sibling. Help them to understand their sibling’s perspective and have empathy, even when their sibling is showing challenging behaviors.
For example, “Your brother keeps hitting because he wants your attention. He doesn’t know how to ask you to play with him yet. How can you help him understand that doesn’t feel good?”
6. Model healthy ways of resolving conflict in your own disagreements.
Research shows that conflict within the family has a negative impact on sibling relationships. Working to reduce conflict in the family more generally may help to reduce sibling conflict. When you model how to handle conflict in positive and empathetic ways with your partner or other family members, you are giving your children a road map to follow in their own relationships.
For example, if a discussion with your co-parent becomes heated, say, “I feel like I’m starting to get frustrated so I’m going to take ten minutes to myself. Can we talk about this more when I’ve calmed down?”
Creating Positive Sibling Relationships
Ultimately, your children are individuals. As they grow, you won’t have control over how they interact with their siblings. But you can take steps, starting in their younger years, to build empathy, model healthy conflict resolution, and nurture strong sibling relationships.
For links to all of the research studies cited here, please head here.
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DR. CARA DAMIANO GOODWIN, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a Charlottesville mother to four children. She received a PhD in child clinical psychology from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, a Master’s in Developmental Psychiatry from Cambridge University, and a Master’s in Child Psychology from Vanderbilt University. Dr. Goodwin completed a postdoctoral fellowship at Duke University. She specializes in child development and has spent years researching child psychology and neuroscience and providing therapy and clinical services for children of all ages. She has published 18 research articles in peer-reviewed academic journals, written two book chapters, and completed numerous conference presentations. Dr. Goodwin translates recent scientific research into information parents can access and implement in their everyday lives through her Instagram account @parentingtranslator and her website: www.ParentingTranslator.com.