There’s a good chance that you’ll know a child with autism before your own kids have finished high school. Autism spectrum disorder affects as many as one out of every 54 children in the United States. However many adults, not to mention children, feel nervous or unsure when it comes to interacting with someone who has autism.
As a result, an autism diagnosis can leave many children and their families feeling isolated from their community. But you can help break that isolation with understanding, flexibility, and communication.
At a Glance: Autism & Communicating
- Some people with autism spectrum disorder need intensive daily support. Others have daily lives that look almost identical to their non-autistic peers.
- Children with ASD often have difficulty communicating, such as delayed speech development, and may struggle to understand body language or conversational conventions.
- Adults can be inclusive and welcoming to children with ASD by learning effective communication strategies, such as responding to non-verbal cues and being patient with differences.
- When in doubt, ask a child’s family for strategies and tools to facilitate communication.
- Teach your children why classmates and friends with ASD might communicate differently and strategies to be welcoming and friendly in spite of these differences.
What Is the Autism Spectrum?
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) isn’t a single condition.
“It’s a whole range of conditions and behaviors,” says Kara Reagon, the director of education at the Virginia Institute of Autism. “An individual [with autism] has a set of either behavior deficits or behavioral excesses. They might have challenges with social skills, difficulty communicating or some repetitive behaviors.”
Children are usually diagnosed with ASD around age 2 or 3, or when they begin regular schooling at age 5. It can be difficult to diagnose because there isn’t a single way that autism looks or progresses. It can also also overlap or share symptoms with other diagnoses, such as attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Doctors and researchers call autism a spectrum because of the vastly different ways it can present in different people. Some individuals may need intensive, daily support. Many people with autism, however, will attend school, participate in extracurriculars, date, work, and live independent lives, just like their peers who don’t have an ASD diagnosis.
Autism and the Struggle to Communicate
However, one thing that many children who have ASD have in common is that they struggle with communication compared to their peers. Like autism itself, this struggle can look different from person to person. Children who have autism may:
- Have delayed speech development
- Struggle to read social cues and body language
- Show repetitive verbal and non-verbal behaviors
- Become fixated on a single idea or topic
- Not know how to have a conversational exchange
- Miss social cues or conventions, such as how to start or end a conversation
- Remain non-verbal
“Some [children with autism] may not have a functional way of communicating, and that impacts their behavior,” says Reagon. Children who struggle to communicate may grow frustrated easily, which can lead to aggressive or destructive behavior, either directed at others or at themselves.
“That’s a function of not having a way of communicating their basic needs,” Reagon explains.
Tips For Communicating with Children with Autism
Children with ASD need help from the adults in their lives to learn how to interact with others and express their needs, thoughts and feelings. This includes regular caregivers and teachers, of course. But it also includes people like coaches, neighbors, Sunday school teachers, and even parents they meet on the playground.
No matter your experience (or lack of experience!), there are strategies you can use to communicate with a child who has ASD and struggles to use language or express themselves.
Meet Them Where They Are
Pushing a child with autism to communicate the way you want, rather than the way that they’re able, is going to lead to frustration for everyone. Instead, look for ways that you can meet them where they are. If a child doesn’t use words, pay attention to their gestures. “For example, if you see them reaching for a cup of juice, say ‘juice’ and hand it to them,” says Reagon.
Take a Cue from Their Family
Watch the people around them. “Observe how they communicate with their siblings, with their peers or how their parents or teachers interact with them,” Reagon advises. If you have a question about the best way to communicate with a child, don’t be afraid to ask their caregiver. As long as you are polite and respectful, they’ll probably be glad to answer.
Seek Out Tools
Are you going to be interacting regularly with a child who has ASD, such as a neighbor, relative or classmate from your child’s school? Ask their parent about tools for facilitating communication. Families may use sign language, apps like ProLoquo2Go, or tools like the picture exchange communication system.
Expect Some Differences
Even children who have ASD but use language fluently and easily may have unexpected communication patterns. They may start and start conversations in ways that seem abrupt or surprising. Or, they may monopolize conversations and miss cues that you expect them to pick up on. Don’t punish or shame them for this. Instead, guide them through the conversation as needed with compassion, respect, and straightforward language.
Bring Your Kids Into the Conversation
These strategies aren’t just for adults. Creating an inclusive, welcoming community is everyone’s responsibility. If you have non-autistic children, you can teach them these strategies to communicate with their peers and neighbors. Teaching your own kids how to communicate with children who have autism doesn’t need to be complicated, explains Reagon. Have your children say hello and introduce themselves as they normally would, even if the other child responds in unexpected ways.
Remember, it’s all right to name what your talking about instead of talking around it. Avoid saying things like, “We don’t talk about that,” or “That’s a rude question.” Instead, explain to a child that, for example, Sometime Josh just stops talking and walks away because he has autism. He’s not trying to be rude or hurt your feelings. It’s just that remembering things like saying goodbye at the end of a conversation is more of a challenge for him than it is for your other friends.
Above all, help your kids to be kind. Teach them to be patient and flexible if their playmate or classmate behaves differently than other friends. Model the important lesson that not everyone communicates or thinks the same. Brains work in different, surprising, and often wonderful ways.
“Each student and family I have worked with has taught me so much,” Reagon says. “I really think that if you take the time to get to know children with autism, and get to know their families, it can change your life for the better.”
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KATHARINE PALJUG is a freelance writer and novelist who lives in Charlottesville with two busy kids. She is a big fan of public libraries, homemade muffins, and inclusive spaces for queer families.